There is a nonzero chance of Bush getting himself assassinated this week when he comes to Britain and faces all the people that hate him. That’s almost everybody. Of course, he won’t be motorcading along Downing Street, not even in a Kathy-Lee-Gifford-in-South-Park style bulletproof bubble.

As long as Dick Cheney remains alive, Bush is safe, but just in case he gets knocked off too, or The Terrorists fail to realise there are an unlimited number of increasingly awful replacement presidents waiting in line at Republicrat HQ, here are my thoughts on how to protect the leader of the free world.

1. Arrest Dean. Since not re-electing the president has been declared unpatriotic in the USA, the only way the Democrats will get back into power is by assassinating Bush. Howard Dean stands to gain most from this, hence he will be blamed when it happens. His reasoning will therefore be that if he’s going to do the time, he may as well do the crime. Lock him up before he gets his chance!

   Note that this logic works against almost anyone you don’t like!

2. Confiscate radiation suits and Prussian Blue from the inhabitants of London. If The Terrorists have a nuclear bomb, now is when they’ll use it: since the president is effectively bulletproof, they need the increased ordnance that only a stolen Russian suitcase nuke can provide.

   If everybody in London was safe from the lethal blast of radiation, The Terrorists would be more inclined to use their nukes - even terrorists don’t want the wrong type of civilian casualties. Hence confiscation of all anti-radiation gear will make denizens extra vulnerable, perhaps making The Terrorists think twice about nuking Buckingham Palace.

3. Fly Bush into Glasgow instead. He won’t notice the difference, since it’s full of old buildings just like London, and all human beings are being kept at least 1km away. If he hears any funny accents, he’ll just chuckle and say to himself “Those crazy brits!”, and he’ll be right. They’ll have to use a dummy in London, but that’s what people are expecting anyway.

4. Give Bush’s security guards shares in Halliburton. The only people allowed near him will be the guards, and if even one of them decides that the world would, on the whole, be a better place with one less person in it, it’s game over for Bush. All the guards must therefore be given vested interests in keeping a corp-friendly president in power.

5. Frisk the Queen. Since this is a State visit, the only person Bush is required to meet is Her Majesty Herself. Blair can talk to him over a nuclear-hardened telephone line, but the Queen must shake his hand, and therefore must be checked for hidden knives, guns, garottes, guillotines (that old Royal favourite) or even one of those Palestinian-patented dynamite corsets. She’s spent the last 50 years being carefully politically neutral, so she could cash in that trust at any moment. Forget national dignity, forget sovereignty; the Queen must go through the X-ray machine!

   And remember, your Majesty, once a man is in your home, anything you do to him is nice and legal.

6. Deport foreigners. It’s those damn foreigners that are the cause of every trouble this country has, so just in case they start playing up, shove ‘em into the Channel Tunnel and set fire to this end. Since Bush is also a foreigner, he’ll be out too. Whatever happens to him between Folkestone and Calais is not our problem.

7. Pray to God. Against such unprecedented hatred, no one man can survive alone. Luckily, he’s a devout believer in the immortal, omnipotent, omniscient, humane, universal, anthropomorphic, English-speaking, Anglo-Saxon, pro-American God. All we have to do to ensure Bush’s safety is to ask God to protect him. Remember! Johnny-foreigner will be praying that God doesn’t protect him, so we must be sure to pray twice, maybe even three times!

Well that’s 7 Bush-saving activities we can be getting on with; one for each line of the US Consitution he believes in. Let’s hope nothing nasty happens, eh?