TEH PASHION OF TEH CHRITS!!11!1
4:51pm, 25th February 2004
(Warning: extreme blasphemy ahead. Put your censor goggles on now.)
So that crazy Mel Gibson decides to up the stakes in the War on Jews with gore-fest snuff flick The Passion of Christ. Blurgh, I say. Let the religious psychos have their fun. I’m just disappointed that he missed the opportunity to create a film of the world’s greatest teen slasher/zombie book: The Bible.
Just imagine. Marching home drunk one night, a bunch of Roman soldiers accidentally kill their best mate Jesus, after he gets so paralytic he starts ranting about being some kind of god demon. They bury the body in the beer garden of a nearby tavern (the modern version might replace this with, say, an abandoned toxic waste dump). They think they’ve gotten away with it but 3 days later Zombie Jesus rises from the dead and comes back to plague them! “Man,” he says, “I was absolutely crucified last night!” in a witty reference to the original book, for die-hard fans to chuckle at, following in the footsteps of such classic lines as “What did you expect, yellow Spandex?”
Due to the prudishness of the medieval church, historical records are sketchy as to who Zombie Jesus’ first victim was, but if modern Horror is anything to go by, it was probably a female Centurion who was caught unawares while sitting in the hot-tub on the phone to her boyfriend.
All standard horror cliches so far, but this film has the advantage of historical authority in the zombie horror genre. Peter Jackson’s Braindead rips the “I kick arse for the lord!” line from the apocrypha. Even the Standard Zombie Laws of the Living Dead trilogy ultimately derive from the Roman Catholic rite of transubstantiation:
“He who eats My flesh and drinks My blood has eternal life; and I will raise him up on the last day. For My flesh is true food, and My blood is true drink.”
John 6:54-55
George Romero’s trick was to have the zombies biting you instead of you biting Jesus. Few spotted this subtle reversal and thus credited him with an original invention.
Since there’s no hero, the film would be a non-stop Zombie rampage through the Middle-East. In fact, the modern idea of a hero is another role reversal: in the original Bible, Zombie Jesus is the one with all the throwaway one-liners, which have since filtered up into popular culture:
“Groovy”
John 6:67“Who wants some?”
John 6:73“I’m Duke Jesus and I’m coming to get the rest of you alien bastards!”
John 6:89
Also, and correct me if my biblical knowledge is a little rusty, but I think the original book version has a Roman soldier trying to kill Zombie Jesus by skewering him in the side with a spear. This is the origin of the modern Cop-shoots-Zombie scene where Cop finds out that his bullets won’t work. I don’t recall if Jesus eventually manages to bite the soldier in the original. Either way, there are only two canonical ways to kill a zombie: destroy its brain, or, and I quote from the Quake I manual: “Thou canst not kill that which doth not live. But you can blast it into chunky kibbles.”
Unfortunately, like all trilogies in the Horror genre, the source material eventually degenerates into self-parody with the Revelation chapter, sometimes known as Scary Testament 3. While this is the only part actually set in Hell, it’s packed with acid-trip visions of horsemen and the end of the world. More sci-fi/fantasy than Horror.
What would really have set this film apart from the standard Hollywood bunk is that it basically has a sad ending: not only does Zombie Jesus win, he ascends into some kind of all-powerful god-zombie; a fitting revenge based on the original Jesus’ post-binge drunken ravings. The film obviously ends with the one surviving (female) soldier in the changing room of the Roman spa reading words etched in steam on the mirror: “I still know what you did last Easter (cf. omniscience)”.
this movie show s how jesus is king of king and lord of lords he will forgive you of your sins and come in 2 your heart if you ask forgiveness of you sins
and say the siners prayer the time is short be ready and stand fast he comes like a thief in the night so it up 2 you so you chose were you want your home but jesus loves you !
That’s nice dear.
The Hero is the oldest narrative concept there is!
I meant the modern idea of a hero as the good guy, since in classical literature as quoted above, it’s the bad guy who gets all the witty one-liners. Although, recent archeological digs have unearthed drafts copies of ancient texts which have Odysseus saying “Eye’ll be back”.
your are a real sick o buddy
how about leave ur comments to urself if u are goin to attempt to destroy a persons faith by the shit u have just written about the bible. ur obviously one of these people who think they no feckin everything about the bible when in fact they dont have a clue about its meanin. maybe if u sat down and looked at and tried to understand it then i would listen to u! ur just another petty minded individual who hates people who actually have a bit of faith and so find it or believe it is their rite to argue about it!!!!!!!!11
Quite a troll magnet we have here.
THAT MOVIE SHOULD OF MADE A LOT OF POEPLE THINK ABOUT ALL THE BAD THINGS THAT THEY DO AND MAKE THE CHANGE IN THERE SELF AND THAT MOVIE WAS SO SAD. HE DID ALL OF THAT FOR YOU AND ME WITH OUT GETTING TO KNOW WHO WE WERE GOD IS STILL HERE AND WATCHING EVER MOVE YOU MAKE IN LIFE.
i think the film was a mistake it have sgouldernt bee made ecasuse jesus was a human juast like us but diffrent he helped people trhat we couldernt so we should be thankfull and have respect to him as he is our king and lord and hero he had to go thriuth all that so he can proof himself that he was a king that is how u be a hero to our people
rest in peac jesus
u are stupid to make the film
I think you should get this film made now!!!!
Quite obviously you are an undiscovered genius, with expert knowledge on what could be the ultimate zombie flick ever. It Kicks Ass. You made me laugh anyway :)
And if all these people, although free to voice their own opinions of course, (those who have commented above) are stupid enough to believe that you are besmirging their “true faith”, then they’re obviously way to serious about themselves and should watch more zombie/slasher films!!!
You only forgot one thing. It would have to be bigger than just a trilogy to be a true classic, e.g. Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street (Slasher although technically not zombies I know).
Keep up the good work my friend.
I definitely want to see this movie.
Also, it amazes me how many people’s faiths can be uterly destroied by satire. Why else would this draw so many comments along the lines of “you should be beaten and shot for writing this, because God loves you”? Obviously most Christians cannot withstand jokes about their religion, so the few who ARE strong enough need to attack any and all perceived threats?
AS I READ THIS SITE BY ACCIDENT I CAN ONLY SAY THAT GOD LOVES YOU AND IF YOU PUT HIM ON THE CROSS BY THIS IT JUST IS NOT RIGHT. GOD HAS ALWAYS STOOD FOR LOVE PEACE FORGIVNESS AND ETERNAL LIFE. NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU HURT HIM GOD WILL NEVER TURN HIS BACK ON YOU. IT IS MY PRAYER THAT WHO EVER MAY READ THIS MAY SEE THE TRUE GRACE THAT GOD GIVES AND HIS HOLY IMMACULATE CONCEPTION MARY PRAYS FOR ALL OF US. PLEASE REMEMBER TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER AS I HAVE LOVED YOU.- JESUS ASKS US TO DO THIS. IF YOU CAN’T PLEASE DO NOT CRUCIFY HIM AGAIN BY JOKES ETC ETC. MOTHER THERESA, SAINT BERNADETTE, ALL BASED THERE LIVES ON THE GOODNESS OF GOD AND FAITH IN THE IMMACULATE CONCEPTION. I PRAY THAT YOU TRY TO UNDERSTAND THIS MESSAGE.