The movie cycle is coming round once again to the point where a new Jaws film could be supported, i.e. the economy is doing well, people are getting dumber, and beerier, and there is plenty of spare change to be wasted by going to see a guaranteed pile of crap like another Jaws movie. All the following potential films are owned, patented and copyrighted by James, Matti and Owen, so if any filthy bestubbled directors want to rip off our ripoffs, we’ll get to sue them and their children unto the third generation. Oh, and they’re all valid TECO programs too, so we’ll get you under the goddamned software patent laws too, mark my words, Boll.

Jaws 6: Jaws Everywhere!

Jaws is back! And this time you’re not just not safe in the ocean - you’re not safe in any body of water! Yes, that’s right, Jaws has learnt how to use canal locks! He could be anywhere! So you think you can just stay away from rivers? Think again. It’s a little known fact that every body of water in America is connected to every other body of water by secret underground tunnels. Nobody knows where these tunnels came from; all we know is that they’re shark-shaped and have big bite marks all down the walls. So you can forget about the reservoirs and local swimming pools. And just when you thought it was safe to go back to the toilet? Nope, Jaws has crammed his chompy great mouth round the u-bend and is waiting there for you like the pit of sarlacc, and no, you can’t just go standing up, since he’ll pop round behind you and come out of the shower too. You’re going to be scared to spit after seeing this one.

Jaws 7: Jaws in space!

Stardate 2450! An asteroid smashes into the Atlantic ocean, but luckily glances off all the slippery crap that’s piled up on the bottom over the centuries and hurtles back into space, carrying a few billion tons of water and one enraged shark. All would be fine, except the asteroid proceeds to smash into the desert colony of Mars where refugees from Jaws’ utter decimation of the human race seek solace away from anything remotely resembling water. Splash! First Jaws must seek out some SCUBA equipment since the air pressure on Mars is quite low. Then he fills the mask with water, since he’s a shark, and scrapes his gorged belly across the now-muddy wastes of the formerly prosperous town of Amitydome 17. You see everything on screen, in harsh pink light, because it’s much scarier than not seeing anything - you’ll kack your freeze-dried spacepants watching this film!

Jaws takes a female nuclear scientist hostage, then tunnels down into the martian depths where he discovers a race of alien sandsharks which he enslaves and leads against the humans. Arnold Schwarzenegger plays the colonist hero who penetrates the underground lair of Jaws and foils his devious plan to turn Mars into an ocean world. He battles Jaws in ferocious jaw-to-jaw combat, saves the day, and gets the girl. They have tame, sanitized sex on screen while the credits roll to R’n'B music.

Jaws 8: Time travelin’ Jaws!

Thinking the killer shark dead in the explosion at the end of the last film, the human race returns to Earth only to find that Jaws was actually sent back in time by the blast! Now it’s 1943. Jaws’ armies march across Europe. Using an ancient chinese cookbook, he resurrects zombies of history’s most evil villains and forges a super-cabal of undead tyrants.

Jaws’ new plan is to retrieve all six pieces of the amulet and open up a portal to the monstershark dimension, flooding the world with pure evil. He also hires Dr. Ernst von Grubenschaftzkleiner, the world’s greatest researcher in experimental orthodontics, to fit him with nuclear-tipped tooth-bombs for maximum destructive bite power. Since Jaws’ doesn’t know where the last piece of the amulet is hidden, his plan is simply to bite everybody in half and see if it’s hidden there.

Jaws is finally defeated when an unlikely band of SAS commandos breaks into Jaws’ underwater cathedral and discovers his secret identity as the new lesbian Pope, enabling them to dress up as a travelling circus and infiltrate Jaws’ midnight feeding frenzy. They defeat him with a song-and-dance act then harpoon him and chop him up into little pieces and throw the bits into the sun. Jesus returns and everyone goes to heaven, even Jaws, although he’s in little barbequed pieces on kebab sticks. God booms out a witticism. Everyone laughs. Credits roll.