Microsoft Wireless Keyboard 1000: function keys won't work

Why won't the function keys on my wireless keyboard do anything? Maybe because you need to press the F-lock key, located just to the right of the F12 key.

Here's the official Microsoft explanation

I write this only in the hope that I can go some small way to displacing the dreaded ExpertSexChange result that appeared when I first Googled this problem. Come on Google, when the top 10 search results all contain the same content, dressed up in 10 different spamsuits and stackoverclones, please give me the option to build a personal blacklist.